Step 3 is easy, finding a supporter to help me.  There are loads of people trying to take my keys off me.  But, at 3am, how can they understand the itching under my skin, the need to leather up and feel the blast of wind over my skin as I punch it through the gears, a litre of finely tuned Yoshimura bits howling into the night.

Step 4.  What is step 4?  You see my point?  Before you think this is becoming maudlin, somewhat depressed, don’t.  Here are the alternatives.  Stamp collecting.  Aside from paper cuts, what is the risk?  Knitting?  I’d stab myself out of sheer boredom.  Playing a team sport?  “There is no I in team”, butt smacking, man hugging group activities?  The chances of some jock touching my ass and being able to breathe 2 seconds later is as likely as waking up tomorrow richer than Bill Gates.   Watching little old ladies race their electric carts around the supermarket?  Actually, in the same way watching the American version of the Office is cringe-worthy, the old bats can be worth a watch, just because the carnage they leave behind is massive.

There is one other alternative, before you think I’ve taken the plunge, or swerved randomly off the rails.  It’s cheap (well, it starts out that way), it’s fun, and it uses up time that would otherwise be wasted playing fetch with pooch, or making money for your erstwhile shareholders.
It’s called a track bike.  Okay, that’s a grand description for the carload of busted boxes, and the new eBay obsession called parts hunting.  Mine’s a K5 GSXR600.  It’s also known as step 12, of the 12 step programme for the litre addiction.  You, my loosely adjusted friends, are now going to be bored with the progress, (or lack thereof) of my “track bike” in a regular way.  It’s my way of dealing with the deprivation anxiety that I’m suffering, a problem shared and all that.

The real question, Buckweed – did you find yourself nodding, empathising, feeling guilty, or hot under the collar?  Can you resist the primal urge of the litre high?

It’s like being tickled to death by a tiger.